You Can Go (I'll Be Okay)
by JasmineRey
Summary: Bucky helps Steve make his decision.


"I can't believe they're really gone," Steve mumbled softly as he looked out over the vast lake in front of him. Sunlight reflected dazzlingly off the water's surface, but he could still faintly see Tony's memorial as the rippling water carried it further and further from the bank.

"It's terrible," Bucky said solemnly, nodding in agreement, "but they did what needed to be done." He paused for a moment and smiled. "Reminds me of someone else I know."

Steve shook his head. "I never really gave up my life for anything though. I got lucky. Tony and Natasha, they ... they knew for sure they would die and they did it anyway."

Bucky shrugged. "True, you may not have died, but that doesn't mean you didn't give up your life." Seeing the confused expression on his best friend's face, he explained, "You sacrificed everything to save people. You sacrificed the life you could've had, and everything you've done since then has been for someone else's well-being." He waited for Steve to politely insist he was talking crazy, but Steve remained silent, his gaze locked on the lake. Bucky was not sure his eyes were focusing on anything at all. He seemed lost, his mind wandering somewhere else. The two stood in silence for some time, Steve staring aimlessly at the lake, and Bucky rocking restlessly from one foot to the other as he watched Steve out the corner of his eye, wishing he could hear whatever deep, consuming thoughts his friend was lost in.

"Do you ever wish you could go back somehow?" Steve's voice cut through the silence at last. "You know, try to live a different life or something?"

Bucky contemplated the question for a moment. "No, I don't think so," he answered decidedly. "Don't get me wrong, what HYDRA did to me was awful. It still haunts me, and maybe it always will, but it's over now. Now, life is okay. I'm okay. Everything turned out alright in the end, thanks to you." Bucky felt tears sting his eyes as he spoke the words aloud, and meant them sincerely. Many times, when Steve had visited or contacted him in Wakanda, Bucky had claimed everything was okay when, in reality, feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and sometimes distress plagued him. But now, things were okay, truly. At last, he felt like he could have a life in this world, and stand on his own two feet without constantly leaning on Steve, or anyone else, for support. And he was grateful, grateful beyond words, for everything Steve had done for him.

Bucky quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "I don't think I ever really knew what I wanted in life back then anyway. All I wanted was to keep you safe, and make sure you didn't get yourself into situations you'd later regret," he added with a laugh. He watched as a smile crept across Steve's face and he too began to laugh. Within moments, however, the smile faded, morphing into a jumbled expression of longing, grief, and ambivalence as Steve fiddled with something in his pocket. Now, Bucky was sure he knew what his friend was thinking. "You miss her, don't you?"

Steve pulled his hand out of his pocket, revealing the treasured object he was grasping. His old lensatic compass held a picture of Peggy Carter inside the lid. Opening it seemed to open a door in Steve's mind back to the past, reminding him of the world, and the person, he had left behind. "I thought I was over it all," he admitted. "I thought I'd moved on. I settled into life here and now, I made friends, I pushed through the grief after she died, but seeing her again... I don't know."

"I think you do know."

Steve looked up from his compass and met Bucky's eyes. "Know what?"

"You've done the hero gig. You've saved the world, you've saved me. Now all that's missing is her."

Steve shook his head. "She's dead, Buck. There's nothing I can do –"

"There is, Steve, and you know it."

The words almost got caught in Bucky's throat, but he knew they needed to be said. He knew what Steve wanted. The internal battle showed itself clearly on his face. But Steve cared too much to admit he wanted something for himself. His selfless spirit, though a beautiful thing, held him back from reaching for what he wanted, something he had long thought impossible.

"I couldn't do it, Buck," Steve sighed, forcing the compass back into his pocket, as if attempting to push all thoughts of the past away into the depths of his mind.

"Why not?" Bucky asked. He moved to stand directly in front of Steve.

"Because I'd have to leave you!" Steve exclaimed, tears beginning to well up in his eyes. "I couldn't live without you, Buck."

Bucky placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Yes you could," he told him calmly. "You're not some scrawny kid anymore, Steve. You don't need me."

"That's not true," Steve protested, brushing Bucky's hand away. "Besides, I still want to be here to look out for you."

"But I'm okay now," Bucky insisted. "Look, we had our time together, and those years were the best years of my life, but now's your time to be with Peggy."

"No, Buck, I couldn't –"

"Steve, listen. Tony and Natasha gave up their lives so that we could all live ours. Don't you think you ought to make the most of that?"

Steve closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head. When he opened them again, Bucky could clearly see the sorrow and pain in his eyes. Losing two of his dearest friends had undoubtedly left a gaping hole in his heart. Now, the seemingly impossible dilemma of where, or rather when, he should live the remainder of his life was tearing him apart inside. But the longer Bucky looked at his friend, he began to see a glimpse of hope Steve's eyes, a small spark of excitement lying beneath a shadow of uncertainty and guilt.

"If I do go," Steve said at last, "I'm going to miss you like crazy."

Bucky smiled reassuringly. "I'll miss you too. Who knows, maybe with all this time-travelling stuff there might be a way for me to come visit you. To be honest though, I haven't really got my head around this whole time-travelling thing. Who would've thought this sort of crazy stuff was possible?"

"Crazier than a floating car, right?"

"Definitely crazier."

A memory flashed into Bucky's mind of his last night in Brooklyn before being shipped off to war. He remembered the double date, the World Exposition of Tomorrow, Steve attempting to enlist yet again. He remembered saying goodbye to Steve, and he remembered wrestling with the unpleasant possibility that he may never see his friend again. Thankfully, they did reunite. It seemed like every time life, war, or HYDRA split them apart, they somehow managed to find a way back to each other. Perhaps it was fate, or maybe they truly were inseparable. Regardless, he knew he would see Steve again, somehow, somewhere. But until then, he would be okay.

As he focused back on reality, Bucky was quick to notice the tears streaming freely down Steve's face, and suddenly he could not hold his own emotions back any longer. He pulled Steve into a strong hug and held onto him tightly as they both cried softly into each other's shoulders.

"You can go, Steve," Bucky assured him sincerely, straining to speak the words between heartfelt sobs. "I'll be okay."


End file.
